When the Lord hears the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them from all their troubles. Psalm 34:17
I have been in a battle all day. It may sound a little crazy to anyone who does not deal with some sort of addiction, but I am a “foodie”. That’s just a cute way of saying I’m addicted to food. My daughter’s birthday was this past Saturday… which means we had all sorts of snacks…ice cream… cake… and it has been calling me. I love birthday cake. I am ashamed at how much I love it and also to say that at times, thoughts of it consume me.
Due to the snow, the girls were home from school today. I woke up and I kid you not- I already had that stupid cake on my mind. I swore I would not have any today- not even a sliver. As soon as I made this grande pronouncement, it overtook my mind in a super-human way.
It was about 9am and I see my daughter holding in her hand a large slice of cake. And that was all it took… I began thinking about it again. I am already a failure.
If I eat it, then I have given into the temptation. If I don’t eat it- well, I’m still a failure because I have denied myself all day and it has still consumed my thoughts.
I have dealt with this since childhood. I was always overweight. I wanted children- and I was desperate for them to not have the struggles with food and self-esteem that I had. By God’s grace and lots of hard work, I lost 100 lbs the summer before I had my first daughter. It was the best thing I ever did for myself- and for the family. Although I am not nearly as small as I was, I am healthy. I make good choices most of the time, and I work out at least 5 times a week.
And I won’t lie- I hate it. I got on the treadmill one day last week and I cried. I was tired and didn’t feel like working out. I was mad. Mad that I have to work so hard at being a normal size. Not even thin. Just average. And even though I continue to make the right choices, it has not gotten any easier over these past 12 years. It is still a daily battle. As I cried, I began to think about heaven and what it would feel like to be completely free from the feelings of inadequacies, lack of self-worth, and unhealthy relationship with food. That’s what kept me running that day- knowing eventually I will cross the finish line and He will be there waiting for me.
But I know He uses these things for His good… because it keeps me coming back to Him. It is when I am in my weakest moments that I feel closest to Him. Even though He does not take the struggle away from me- He is with me, and His presence is sweeter by the day.
I shared my battle with my husband today. His reply was “Well, go get me a piece of cake!” I sighed… and I got us both a piece. Just like that- the battle for the day was finished. I did not let it consume my thoughts the rest of the day. I had a piece, and did not let it consume me.
He has delivered me. He is delivering me… day by day and moment by moment. Every day I cry out to Him and not allow food to consume me, He has won. Today, after the storm came the calm. The evening sunset lit up the sky, and my soul found peace and rest in Him tonight. I rest knowing that I don’t have to have the strength- He will do it for me if I will only surrender and give it to Him- moment by moment.
Lord, deliver me. Help me to not be consumed with thoughts about what I am eating. Help me to not think of food as a punishment, nor a reward. Help me to live for you, to eat to live, and not live to eat! May I continue to draw ever closer to you through my daily struggles. I thank You for Your infinite love and grace.