She’s watching everything I do
“Mom I want to be like you”
she wants to paint her face like me
I swore I’d put aside
the things I see in the mirror that I despise
I’d look at myself through my Father’s eyes
but who am I kidding?
I catch my own self
trying to fit a mold never made for me
trying to change the things I see
with my eyes
such a hypocrite, I talk a good talk
but when push comes to shove
can I walk the walk?
cause deep down I’m still a little girl
with those lines on my face
I drew lines in the sand
cause I don’t want my girls
giving into the world’s demands
trying to be a size
He never made her to be
trying to look like a Barbie Doll fantasy
instead of the masterpiece
He made her to be
Recently, I told my husband that I hated the lines on my face. I didn’t even notice what I was doing as I said it.
“Stop criticizing God’s masterpiece!” my husband said to me.
Instead of accepting myself, I have tried to hide, cover-up, and change the way I look for years. My flaws have screamed at me when I look in the mirror.
Even though I have struggled with this, I’ve always thought that I’ve done a good job hiding this from my daughters. I tell them to be themselves, to not worry about what other people think about what they wear and how their hair looks. They are beautiful, and they don’t need to change a thing.
But the other day, as I was getting ready, I was putting on my make-up and my (almost) 10 year old was standing with me, watching my every move.
“Momma- can you curl my lashes? I want you to put some make-up on my face!”
“Baby, you are gorgeous without any of that.”
“But why do you do it then?”
Good question… one I didn’t have an easy answer for. To feel better about myself… To hide the dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep…to look pretty.
vanity, vanity… all is vanity…
And then I thought about all those mornings I try on garment after garment, and while I don’t usually give a voice to my thoughts- those negative, self-deprecating thoughts are still there… and my girls are watching me.
I need to practice what I preach. Because deep down, I am still a little girl wanting to live up to something I am not… and it is time to embrace who I am.
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
1 Peter 3:3-4